What the f@$% do I know? Oh, there's THAT.

Since deciding to leave Austin and take my act to L.A., it's been an interesting experience when telling people about my new goals. Reactions have ranged from the enthusiastic ('You go boy!', 'It's about time!') to the incredulous ('What do you want to do all that for?', 'Have you really thought this through?') I did have one person say to me, "Wouldn't it be quicker and less painful if you just downed a bottle of Drano now?" But, in his defense, he has 'rage' issues and I'm pretty sure a mild case of Tourette's, so I tried looking at it more as a commentary on his thoughts on L.A. and less about my abilities.

This whole think got me thinking, however...why do people feel this need to tell us their negative opinions about our life choices? Now, before you get all 'but, Rob, maybe they're just trying to look out for you,' let me say, I agree. Depending on who this advice is coming from, it could be they just want to make sure I have thought things through, and that I don't suffer in the process. To which my reply is: my thoughts may actually be my problem. Let's face it. At this point, I have been living in Austin for nearly 7 years. It will actually be 7 years next April, if you want to get all OCD about it. I never thought in 2006, I'd be sitting here, years later, contemplating the Universe and my place in it so much that it literally sedates me with fear. If I really wanted to make Austin my home, wouldn't I have purchased a home by now? Settled down and looked for a mate by now? Wouldn't I actually have a group of friends by now whom I could call 'family?' After all, when I want something, I have always gone for it. Ask my 11th Grade Drama Teacher. I still think Mrs. Reed probably thinks I am the most cut-throat 'Bob Cratchett' to ever lay waste to such lines as 'But, Mr. Scrooge, it's Christmas!' I did rock that stage, and there are no small parts...

The bottom line: this is my life. I only get one of them. I can't live it for other people any longer, nor can I sit complacent, while every fiber of my being is screaming to get out and DO something with it. I honestly feel as though the last six and a half years of my life have been spent frozen with fear. Fear of failure, certainly. Perhaps  (Definitely) a fear of success. My therapist once told me that people often refer to the 'fight or flight' response, without regard to that third, and undoubtedly most common, response: we freeze. When an animal is unsure what to do, it does nothing. Welcome to the Jungle. I have been sitting here frozen in a state of limbo for years, paralyzed by the horrors I make up in my own head, and, I still ultimately have very little to show for it. Living a suburban soccer dad existence isn't really all it's cracked up to be when there is no soccer, and you have no kids, or a partner with whom to share all of it. It's sad. I've turned into my own worst nightmare. The experiences I've been through have shaped me into a different person, and for this I am extremely thankful, but it doesn't make the sting of regret any less painful to know that the one true love of my life got away.

What I know is this: I love movies and I love entertaining. Some might say I was tailor-made for it, what with my only-child escapist fantasy world, and absentee parents, but the truth is that I just love it. I've loved it since I was old enough to walk and recite the entire book and lyrics from 'Annie' to anyone who could stand to listen to a spitfire 2-year old boy doing 'Little Girls' while channeling Carol Burnett. I love it so much that it's all I think about most days, and if money weren't so damned necessary, I'd do it for free. Now that's passion. And it's time for me to start getting serious about this life I live, because I'm not getting any younger, and time wounds all heels. So those who care for me will be forgiving (I hope) when I say that I've woken up from this self-imposed nightmare. And, it's a new dawn, and a new day, and I'm feeling good. So won't you feel good for me, too? (And if you can't muster up a little support, then just fake it. I won't tell anyone. I'll tell everyone. Probably on here. So, there's that.)