So long, farewell, good night, 2012.

On this night one year ago I was at a party in New Jersey with my friend Anu, probably thinking 'wow, what a year.' That seems to be the running tag line for all of my end-of-year mental review sessions. The difference is, last year, I was at a crossroads physically and emotionally, the likes of which I'd never known before. I won't go into the details here, as I feel they have been better covered elsewhere. Quite frankly, I don't feel like rehashing it all. However, I do feel it's necessary to point out the obvious. What a difference a year makes!

I have had one of the most roller coaster years of my life, yet it's turned out to be one of the greatest in terms of growth. I approach 2013 with a new-found zest for my life that I haven't felt in years. The last time I can recall feeling this hopeful and committed to myself and my future was in 2006. It's perhaps no coincidence that, as I sit here typing this out, I am listening to one of my favorite albums from that time period. There's an old part of me that would feel as though sitting at home on New Year's Eve would be some sort of calling card of my loser-dom, but not now. Not this year. I can't think of a single place I'd rather be than sitting here, feeling good, reflecting on the things I've seen and felt over the preceding twelve months. It's been a time. And, so, after a year of many 'firsts', we come to this day. I say so long, 2012. It's been real. No, really. It has. And to 2013, I say: bring it. This is the year I turn thirty-five. This will be the year I start a new chapter with more focus and passion than I've ever had. This is the first day of the rest of my life...Happy New Year!

6 Harsh Truths That Will Make You a Better Person

When I stumble across an article on Cracked.com via The Anonymous PA's Blog (http://www.anonymousproductionassistant.com), you basically know I have to pay attention. The parallels between the writer's soap-box heroism and the subjects of my coinciding weekly therapy visit today are also not lost on me. I think that's technically what they call 'a co-inky-dink.'

This article not only tells it like it really is, it also manages to inspire me in a way that not many writers can. This is the equivalent of a good, swift kick in the ass that so many of us need, but especially me. Read on, only if you truly want to take steps into reality and all its harsh light. As for me, it's time to let the great work begin. (I may have stolen that last line from Tony Kushner.)

The 6 Harsh Truths That Will Make You a Better Person

Lies I've Told Myself

Despite this entry's melodramatic title, this won't be a diatribe on how I've lied to myself or come to multiple 'a-ha moments' through the help of therapy and Oprah. However, I have come to some serious realizations lately that beg the question: why do I convince myself that my warped thinking is 'the truth?'

Most of us realize at one point or another that the way we view ourselves is really the way we view the world, and, in turn, the way we are viewed BY the world. The general rule of thumb goes something like this: if I think I'm not worthy then neither will anyone else. I have been giving these thoughts a lot more weight of late, and it's been interesting to watch them play out.

Earlier this week, I revisited an old friend of a thought that continually haunts me since I was about twelve years old. My company's holiday party looming, I had my +1 cancel on me a few days prior to the event. It was literally like a high school flashback to being dumped right before prom. (Except I went to both my junior and senior proms with dates, so this isn't a direct correlation.) But, I couldn't ask for a more tailored exampled of how my thoughts still play out like some after-school special, minus the drug pusher or abusive step-father. I was overcome with these feelings of sadness and concern nonetheless. 'I'm ugly.' 'Nobody likes me.' 'Why not just kill yourself and get it over with?' Then the thoughts: 'Why are thinking like this?' 'God, you're a winner, huh?' Even my thoughts about my thoughts betray me! Damn you, brain! Shut off already!

So, it turns out that I decided to buck the tradition of wallowing in my own self pity and I went alone to the 'prom' and had a great time. Surprise! The more we wallow in our own sorrow and focused lack of self-worth, the more we really only damage ourselves further. After all, in the game of driving our lives toward our future, who wants a twelve year old at the wheel?

What the f@$% do I know? Oh, there's THAT.

Since deciding to leave Austin and take my act to L.A., it's been an interesting experience when telling people about my new goals. Reactions have ranged from the enthusiastic ('You go boy!', 'It's about time!') to the incredulous ('What do you want to do all that for?', 'Have you really thought this through?') I did have one person say to me, "Wouldn't it be quicker and less painful if you just downed a bottle of Drano now?" But, in his defense, he has 'rage' issues and I'm pretty sure a mild case of Tourette's, so I tried looking at it more as a commentary on his thoughts on L.A. and less about my abilities.

This whole think got me thinking, however...why do people feel this need to tell us their negative opinions about our life choices? Now, before you get all 'but, Rob, maybe they're just trying to look out for you,' let me say, I agree. Depending on who this advice is coming from, it could be they just want to make sure I have thought things through, and that I don't suffer in the process. To which my reply is: my thoughts may actually be my problem. Let's face it. At this point, I have been living in Austin for nearly 7 years. It will actually be 7 years next April, if you want to get all OCD about it. I never thought in 2006, I'd be sitting here, years later, contemplating the Universe and my place in it so much that it literally sedates me with fear. If I really wanted to make Austin my home, wouldn't I have purchased a home by now? Settled down and looked for a mate by now? Wouldn't I actually have a group of friends by now whom I could call 'family?' After all, when I want something, I have always gone for it. Ask my 11th Grade Drama Teacher. I still think Mrs. Reed probably thinks I am the most cut-throat 'Bob Cratchett' to ever lay waste to such lines as 'But, Mr. Scrooge, it's Christmas!' I did rock that stage, and there are no small parts...

The bottom line: this is my life. I only get one of them. I can't live it for other people any longer, nor can I sit complacent, while every fiber of my being is screaming to get out and DO something with it. I honestly feel as though the last six and a half years of my life have been spent frozen with fear. Fear of failure, certainly. Perhaps  (Definitely) a fear of success. My therapist once told me that people often refer to the 'fight or flight' response, without regard to that third, and undoubtedly most common, response: we freeze. When an animal is unsure what to do, it does nothing. Welcome to the Jungle. I have been sitting here frozen in a state of limbo for years, paralyzed by the horrors I make up in my own head, and, I still ultimately have very little to show for it. Living a suburban soccer dad existence isn't really all it's cracked up to be when there is no soccer, and you have no kids, or a partner with whom to share all of it. It's sad. I've turned into my own worst nightmare. The experiences I've been through have shaped me into a different person, and for this I am extremely thankful, but it doesn't make the sting of regret any less painful to know that the one true love of my life got away.

What I know is this: I love movies and I love entertaining. Some might say I was tailor-made for it, what with my only-child escapist fantasy world, and absentee parents, but the truth is that I just love it. I've loved it since I was old enough to walk and recite the entire book and lyrics from 'Annie' to anyone who could stand to listen to a spitfire 2-year old boy doing 'Little Girls' while channeling Carol Burnett. I love it so much that it's all I think about most days, and if money weren't so damned necessary, I'd do it for free. Now that's passion. And it's time for me to start getting serious about this life I live, because I'm not getting any younger, and time wounds all heels. So those who care for me will be forgiving (I hope) when I say that I've woken up from this self-imposed nightmare. And, it's a new dawn, and a new day, and I'm feeling good. So won't you feel good for me, too? (And if you can't muster up a little support, then just fake it. I won't tell anyone. I'll tell everyone. Probably on here. So, there's that.)

The Power of Words (in Pop)

I came across this by accident tonight, and having done so, I can only say that I am a better man for it. I have never heard such simple pop lyrics profoundly affect me in a way that expresses the pangs of love for which I truly yearn. I want to feel like this about somebody, and, in turn, have him feel equally confused, maddened, and lost without me.

Rihanna - 'Stay' Live on SNL

'Stay' by Rihanna (featuring Mikky Ekko)

Music and Lyrics by Mikky Ekko and Justin Parker

All along it was a fever

A cold sweat hot-headed believer

I threw my hands in the air and said show me something

He said, if you dare come a little closer

Round and around and around and around we go

Ohhh now tell me now tell me now tell me now you know

Not really sure how to feel about it

Something in the way you move

Makes me feel like I can't live without you

And it takes me all the way

I want you to stay

It's not much of a life you're living

It's not just something you take, it's given

Round and around and around and around we go

Ohhh now tell me now tell me now tell me now you know

Not really sure how to feel about it

Something in the way you move

Makes me feel like I can't live without you

And it takes me all the way

And I want you to stay

Ohhh the reason I hold on

Ohhh cause I need this hole gone

Funny you're the broken one but I'm the only one who needed saving

Cause when you never see the light it's hard to know which one of us is caving

Not really sure how to feel about it

Something in the way you move

Makes me feel like I can't live without you

And it takes me all the way

I want you to stay, stay

I want you to stay, ohhh