Lies I've Told Myself

Despite this entry's melodramatic title, this won't be a diatribe on how I've lied to myself or come to multiple 'a-ha moments' through the help of therapy and Oprah. However, I have come to some serious realizations lately that beg the question: why do I convince myself that my warped thinking is 'the truth?'

Most of us realize at one point or another that the way we view ourselves is really the way we view the world, and, in turn, the way we are viewed BY the world. The general rule of thumb goes something like this: if I think I'm not worthy then neither will anyone else. I have been giving these thoughts a lot more weight of late, and it's been interesting to watch them play out.

Earlier this week, I revisited an old friend of a thought that continually haunts me since I was about twelve years old. My company's holiday party looming, I had my +1 cancel on me a few days prior to the event. It was literally like a high school flashback to being dumped right before prom. (Except I went to both my junior and senior proms with dates, so this isn't a direct correlation.) But, I couldn't ask for a more tailored exampled of how my thoughts still play out like some after-school special, minus the drug pusher or abusive step-father. I was overcome with these feelings of sadness and concern nonetheless. 'I'm ugly.' 'Nobody likes me.' 'Why not just kill yourself and get it over with?' Then the thoughts: 'Why are thinking like this?' 'God, you're a winner, huh?' Even my thoughts about my thoughts betray me! Damn you, brain! Shut off already!

So, it turns out that I decided to buck the tradition of wallowing in my own self pity and I went alone to the 'prom' and had a great time. Surprise! The more we wallow in our own sorrow and focused lack of self-worth, the more we really only damage ourselves further. After all, in the game of driving our lives toward our future, who wants a twelve year old at the wheel?